I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
