Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
