so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
