it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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