That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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