He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
