Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
