There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
