if i can run in heels then i can drive
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
