apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
We smell like vodka and hangover
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