My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
