i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
