so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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