It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
