Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
