my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
