Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
