I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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