Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
