idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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