How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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