Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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