theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
