I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My ass is underappreciated
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
