I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
