When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
there is glitter all over my balls
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