So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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