paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
