loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
