**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
