u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
