Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
