There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Pooping to opera.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
