Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
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