when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
