i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
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It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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