There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
