The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
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Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
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Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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