Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize