I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
