Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
