I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
