he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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