I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
