My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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