I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
