I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
