I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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