my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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