You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
