Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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