1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
