I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
