Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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