I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
