I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
