ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
