dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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