Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
