I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
