Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
