I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
