I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
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she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
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I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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