I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She made me pour olive oil on her.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
