Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
